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I’m a ungrateful selfish gaslighting narcissus. Why not die now?

I’m a ungrateful selfish gaslighting narcissus. Let’s just die now. That is how I feel.

I’m going to start with the person that came out today thank you. Dawn, I want to apologize for my actions about an hour in. I was fully expecting the seven people that said they were coming to be here. So you could meet others because I know it is quiet with just me.

Maybe I am being selfish to think that others would come. I’m so grateful you did because I would have been so much worse.
I struggle with the fact more people will be at my funeral then I get to see while I am alive.
What you saw today was someone with high unreasonable expectations. It’s a difficult nasty hole I have put myself in.

I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad or guilty. David advised me not to push those away that came. I would never but unfortunately my “situation “, my awkward silence, my illness has pushed everyone away.

Luckily I have some family but I yearn for friendship. I miss my people, the ones I would do anything for at a drop of a hat. I never gave excuses, I made the time.
I’m grateful to have met my super fan today. We talked about the concerts we have seen. She got to ask questions about ALS, then off she went. Hopefully with a warm belly and a good memory.

I’m not sure if I will do tea time again. David you have a pot of coffee and appetisers to share with the boys.
Tomorrow, depending on how tonight goes I’m going to church. I need it today because right now I’m just feeling defeated.

So many people commented saying they would have come but didn’t know if it was okay… I posted it was a open event, actually I listed the reason some might not come. They didn’t know if the time was right.

Others say well you saw your whole family on Sunday. Can you please explain to me how one day in two months is better than nothing?
I was the type of person that talked to everyone. For that to just stop is painful. So was I being used by these people? Fake friendships?
I just can’t do another tea time. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday because I will be disappointed if something was planned.

So what I can not move, talk, I have a hole in my neck. Every time is the right time. Since June 7th, besides the bbq which was for Parker. I have had 5 visitors. This is friends only. I have had the family over three times.
Yes, my life is so full of friends… NOT!

So if I don’t answer your message it’s probably because I have not seen you in months, years. I should just announce I have died now so that the funeral is worth it. So I can watch as you tell my husband and boys how great I am. Really the stories will be before ALS, nothing recent because none of you were there. The only memories you will have will be the ones you read through my posts.

I’m done, you should be proud because you officially broke my ungrateful selfish heart.

terminal illness
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